Gearing up

I'm moving! For real! On Sunday, August 1, I finally move into my own place. It's in the same city I work in, so my life is about to get much more convienent. I'm so tired of driving home on 295 every single night, especially lately when it's night time and there's so much construction to drive through. And I hate having to go home tired.

I was paranoid about how telling my grandmother that I'm moving out was going to go. I was sure she'd get incredibly upset and make my life hell for the next month. Turns out, she was happy for me and excited. Well, at least outwardly. Had I known it would go this well, I probably would have planned on moving out sooner. But I don't think this apartment would have been available then, so everything for a reason, really.

I'm nervous about everything, since that's my style, and right now my current obsession is the fact that the apartment has absolutely no closets. No bedroom closet. No linen closet. No coat closet. Nothing. I know this is workable, and all I need to do is buy some shelves, and put up with looking at some things I might prefer to keep in a closet, but it's just weird to go from always having something like that to not having it all. You kind of take for granted that you can put your towels in a closet and you're not constantly looking at them. So now I have the added expense of looking for shelves, baker's racks, and garment racks. My landlord is leaving a wardrobe in the bedroom, but that won't even touch my monstrous quantity of clothing. The room I'm in now has a bedroom closet that stretches the entire length of the bedroom, so I've been able to not only hide things away, but to shop without restraint, since it never looks like my closet is bursting. And I'm way too attached to everything I own, so the cleanout process has been unpleasant, to say the least. That said, working in a homeless shelter makes things easier, since when I decide on a few shirts or something to get rid of, I just throw them in my work bag and bring them in. Much easier than the big wicker trunk of crap I'm coercing my friend into hauling to Goodwill for me. The fact that I have to actually look at all my stuff instead of just shoving it in a corner of a closet does make it easier to decide to part with it, at least.

Part of me wants to go shopping and get all the essentials and cute things and buy stuff like crazy so my apartment will feel whole right away. The logical part knows that this will just result in having to move more stuff. It would make more sense to just buy it all once I get there. I had to restrain myself from buying toilet paper three weeks in advance. That will probably still be available.

I'm excited, definitely. Happy. Proud. Just nervous as hell. I'm glad I'm doing it before I'm in school, but now it feels like a month isn't enough time to really be able to adjust and enjoy the place before I'm thrown back into the chaos of school. The closer I get to really starting grad school, the more I'm losing interest. I'm seeing jobs I can get without my MSW and seeing how much this is all going to cost, and I think I'm freaking out a little. I know school is the right thing to do, but I guess I'm a little overwhelmed with everything else going on too. If it weren't for the internship, I'd probably be a little more relaxed, but since that'll take up a good portion of my time, it inhibits getting another job or taking the casework job I've been thinking that I really want. Of course, the internship is the most valuable part of school, since it'll pad my resume and actually get me the field experience I've so needed. I'm just paying someone else for the privilege instead of getting a paycheck.

I've thought about going down to part time, and doing this over four years instead of two, so that I can explore different work opportunities, but really, in the grand scheme of things, two years isn't a very long time, and I'd rather be stressed out for 2 years than for 4. I'll have to do a lot more juggling and a lot more at once this way, but at least before I know it, it'll all be over, and I'll have my degree and one more thing I can say I've accomplished. And I'm so glad I'm doing it at USM, instead of one of the big name Boston schools that I was so sure I needed to go to. For one thing, the years of financial destitution could be much worse, and another, I've actually grown to like Portland a whole lot, and there's too much here that I don't want to leave behind.

Gah. Maybe in 2 years, I'll stop being overwhelmed.